Invocation
May we stop pretending power is “over there.”
May we notice it where it actually lives — in the everyday.
May we tell the truth with enough gentleness
that we can keep telling it.
Power isn’t only the big dramatic thing...
It’s also:
who picks the restaurant, again
who “doesn’t care” (but somehow always gets what they want)
who has the emotional bandwidth
who holds the budget
who is more socially connected
who is calmer in conflict (this one is sneaky)
Michel Foucault has that famous line about how power "comes from everywhere")
Not because life is one giant villain arc — but because power is woven through tiny exchanges, constantly. So: if power is everywhere… then the practice isn’t “getting rid of power.”
The practice is: see it, name it, and hold it with skill.
The “Where do you want to eat?” Trap (aka: soft power in the wild)
You know this one.
Person A: “Where do you want to eat?”
Person B: “I’m good with anything.”
Person A: “Okay, Thai?”
Person B: “Eh.”
Person A: “Sushi?”
Person B: “Not feeling it.”
Person A: “Italian?”
Person B: “Maybe.”
Congratulations. Person B just drove the car while pretending they were in the passenger seat.
That’s power — not mean, not evil — just unowned influence.
Power becomes harmful when it’s unclaimed.
Because then it can’t be negotiated. It can’t be consented to. It can’t be shared.
A simple power-visible version sounds like:
“I’m not sure what I want yet, but I don’t want sushi, and I’m craving cozy.”
That’s not control. That’s clarity. (Also: it saves 18 minutes of your life.)
Consent gets real when “no” is loved, not punished.
That’s power literacy.
Because when someone can’t say “no” safely, then “yes” becomes… questionable. Not morally — somatically.
Here’s a non-kink example:
You’re with someone who’s always “fine.” They’re so agreeable. They never have preferences. They never push back.
At first it feels like ease. Then one day — they explode, disappear, or quietly resent you.
That’s often not a personality flaw. That’s power operating underground.
Visible power sounds like:
“I want to be easy to love, but I’m practicing being honest. Here’s my no.”
Kink: where power is the point… and also the responsibility
In kink, power isn’t the background radiation — it’s the instrument panel.
That’s why kink can be profoundly clean when done well: it forces us to stop pretending we’re powerless, or that power doesn’t matter.
Some kink educators frame consent as an active collaboration for the well-being and pleasure of everyone involved.
That wording matters because it moves consent from “permission slip” to co-creation.
Real-life example:
A Dominant who says:
“You’re going to take what I give you.”
…might still be completely ethical if they’re also tracking breath, tension, responsiveness, aftercare needs, and the negotiated container.
Meanwhile, a Dominant who says all the “right” consent phrases but is secretly attached to outcome (“I need you to be the good sub so I can feel competent”) can become coercive without realizing it.
Power isn’t dangerous because it’s intense.
Power is dangerous when it’s denied, outsourced, or used to stabilize ego.
(And yes, ego loves a good costume—silk robes, lingerie, and shiny latex included.)
Love is a choice — which means power is involved
bell hooks describes love as an act of will: intention + action + choice.
That matters here because “I didn’t mean to” is not the same as “I took responsibility for impact.”
Power-visible love sounds like:
“I hear you.”
“I’m not arguing with your experience.”
“I want to adjust, not defend.”
“Let’s re-negotiate.”
One could argue that this is not romantic. It IS devotional. And honestly? Devotion is f**king HOT!
A tiny practice: The Power Check (30 seconds)
If you want a simple tool that’s not heavy:
Before a meaningful moment (intimacy, conflict, negotiation), ask:
What power do I hold here? (money, certainty, status, experience, emotional steadiness)
What power might they be holding? (desire, access, social capital, approval, gatekeeping)
What’s unnamed right now?
What would make this feel more collaborative?
That’s it. No dissertation. Just sight... clarity.
Closing
Power doesn’t need to be demonized. It needs to be seen.
Because power that’s visible can become:
negotiated
consented to
shared
repaired
And power that stays invisible… tends to write the script anyway.
Better we hold the pen.