Objective

The Fair Fighting Rules are a set of guidelines and communication strategies designed to help partners and couples resolve conflicts in a constructive manner, prioritizing mutual understanding over the escalation of disputes. Rooted in therapeutic models, the framework focuses on key behavioral principles, such as expressing feelings using "I" statements and focusing on the problem, not the person. The overarching goal of these guidelines is to encourage a willingness to compromise while avoiding destructive actions like stonewalling or yelling, promoting a healthier resolution to disagreements.

Subjective

The concept of fair fighting isn't about winning an argument; it's about preserving the relationship, a concept echoed in the need for repairing ruptures. When practices with mutualism, it transforms the conversation from a battle into a joint problem-solving session, which, while still difficult, is a much healthier foundation for lasting partnership.

The Fair Fighting Rules

1. Ask yourself why you feel upset. Are you angry because your partner left food out on the

   counter? Or because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just

   one more piece of evidence? Reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind them before

   starting a discussion.

2. Discuss one topic at a time. Even though there might be multiple issues, stay on topic.

   Discussions that get off topic are more likely to get heated and less likely to solve the problem.

   Choose one issue and stick to it.

3. Focus on the problem, not the person. Never use put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Using

   degrading language or focusing on a person’s shortcomings only serves to trigger defensiveness

   and distract from the actual problem.

4. Express your feelings with “I” statements. Use this sentence: “I feel (emotion) when (event).”

   This lets you express how you feel while taking responsibility for your own emotions. “I feel hurt

   when you don’t respond to my messages.” “I feel scared when you raise your voice.”

5. Take turns speaking. Give your full attention to your partner while they’re speaking. Avoid making

   corrections or thinking about what you want to say. Your job is to understand their point of view,

   even if you disagree. If you find it hard not to interrupt, set a timer to let each person speak

   uninterrupted for 1-2 minutes at a time.

6. No stonewalling. Stonewalling means retreating into your shell in order to avoid an argument.

   This might feel better temporarily, but it only postpones a discussion that needs to happen. If you

   feel overwhelmed, tell your partner you need a time-out, and agree on when and where you’ll

   resume the conversation.

7. No yelling. Yelling does not help anyone see your point of view. Instead, it sends the message

   that only your words matter. Even if yelling intimidates your partner into giving in, the underlying

   problem only grows worse.

8. Take a time-out if things get too heated. In a perfect world, we would all follow these rules 100%

   of the time... but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or

   heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone

   has cooled down.

9. Be willing to compromise. There isn’t always a perfect solution to life’s problems. Do your best to

   come to a compromise, which means some give and take from both sides. If compromise is

   impossible, taking time to understand your partner’s perspective can help soothe hurt feelings.

Contexts

• #conflict-resolution